Beware! The members of the League of Tana Tea Drinkers dig six feet deep to uncover their favorite worst movies. Beware!
Final Girl goes all ugly over The Cavern!
...You know, if today's movie, The Cavern (2005), had arrived with its other title, WIthIN, plastered on it, I may have skipped watching it on principle and saved myself some pain.
Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies doesn't find pleasure in Goregasm!
...Think of a GWAR video, only without the showmanship, musical proficiency, and insightful social commentary. Think of a Troma movie without the high production values and delightfully cosmopolitan sense of humor. Think of all those dead baby jokes you and your friends used to tell in junior high, but without the rapier wit. Got it? Formed a picture of that movie in your head?
Evil on Two Legs couldn't run fast enough from End of Days!
...the first thing one notices is that this film is dark. i don’t mean se7en dark, like in terms of “mood.” i’m talking doom3 dark without the flashlight mod kind of dark. this is what happens when you let the director be his own dp… (pun alert) in light of this, i’ve taken the liberty of brightening up the screenshots so you can actually make out what’s going on.
Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire wants its time back after Exterminator City!
...Disclaimer: The opinions reflected in this article are mine and mine alone and don't reflect the opinions of the fine, upstanding, and thoroughly delightful gentle people at "Ultra Violent Magazine." Even though those bastards sent me this movie and expected me to review it for their publication without any appropriate warning.
Classic-Horror wishes Left in Darkness was left in darkness!
...Left in Darkness is a varicose mess playing with half-realized ideas that its makers do not seem to grasp at all. Unsurprisingly, it's produced by Stephen J. Cannell, who has created a small industry out of turgid, pseudo-intellectual horror films. So few films make me speechless in their awfulness, but this one wins that extremely dubious distinction.
Cinema Suicide couldn't exorcise the Turkish Exorcist in Seytan!
...Part of the charm of watching Turkish knock-offs is that they rarely, if ever, come subtitled. Watching them, you have no idea what is happening. You’re often left with the vaguest notion that familiar characters from better known Hollywood movies are doing very strange things for mysterious reasons and that’s alright. However, I managed to find a subtitled copy of Seytan, better known to the west as Turkish
Exorcist, and found that the subtitles don’t clear anything up.
Horrors Not Dead can't hate The Chaos Experiment enough!
...There are bad movies. There are stupid movies. There are shitty movies. There are awful movies. And there is Philippe Martinez’s THE CHAOS EXPERIMENT, which is an awful shitty, awful stupid, awful bad movie. And I’d say that’s an awful shame because it has Eric Roberts, Armand Assante and Val Kilmer in it, but that would be a lie. It’s not a shame.
Moon is a Dead World goes collegiate with Sorority House Vampires From Hell!
...When I popped the DVD in, I was already ready for a terrible movie, and then
when the first five minutes came rolling by with a woman dancing topless during the opening credits, along with bad 90s metal, I was totally bored. Another 5 minutes brings another woman who dances while annoyingly bad CGI effects talk gibberish about an alien sending a vampire down to Earth. I'd had almost enough of the softcore porn environment, so luckily we moved on to the real story.
Zombos' Closet of Horror shuts the door on Murder-Set-Pieces!
...Around two-thirds into Murder-Set-Pieces I looked at my watch. I don't do that often when watching a film. In this case, though, I looked at it twice. I really wanted to get it over with, and, unlike some reviewers less meticulous (or masochistic) than me, I always watch the whole movie just to make sure I don't miss anything that remotely resembles art, or scares, or anything that stands out as a memorable horror-moment. I was disappointed that I didn't find anything like that here.
And room for two more...
Cinema Fromage is left speechless after watching Hard Rock Zombies!
Day of the Woman explains why she hates HellRaiser!
...So here it is...only in my words :) Enjoy, and by the way....no matter what you comment me, you WON'T change my opinion on it.
Until next time, then.
Photo courtesy of Dr. Macro's High-Quality Movie Scans!